- The Elusive Reptile

Most people in America today have no idea of what the Internet is. Many do not even know that you need a computer and modem to access it. And there are many people who believe that there is a start page for the Internet.

I am convinced that the general population's poor understanding of the Internet descends from the incredibly bad metaphors that have been developed to explain the Internet. The first and most common offender is the idea of an Information Superhighway.

The most prominent proponents of the idea of the Internet as an Information Superhighway are new-age, huggy-feely Big Government types like Al Gore. They talk of a great new public resource, speeding information around the country so that every child will have a brighter future. They seek massive government funding - and hence massive government control -of the Internet. This is evidenced by such initiatives as the idiot Communications Decency Act and the infamous Clipper Chip.

Another major shortcoming of this metaphor is that the Internet is all about content. Why else would you want to use it? The idea of the Internet as an Information Superhighway mentions nothing about content. The Internet is all about content. The Interne t is the freshest, most organic media this side of print or pirate radio. It is completely private, so you can find any opinion on any topic you would like. Anyone who has an idea, opinion, or product to sell can set up their own Internet site. And we are all free to ignore them.

As a highway, the Internet is more like a bunch of driveways - all of the roads are private. The Internet Backbone is maintained and financed wholly by private companies. Each Internet Service Provider buys their own connecting line to the Internet (sort of like their own driveway). So tell Al Gore to keep out of my driveway and I'll try not to back over his shrubs when I'm driving out to the Information Superhighway.

It's not really a superhighway either. Sure in some places, it is an eight-lane divided highway. But in many others, its still a one-lane dirt road with deep ruts.

Even worse than the concept of the Information Superhighway is the idea of surfing the Internet. I have a theory that this loopy idea comes from the idea of "surfing" TV channels.

Surfing implies having no job, long hair, and hanging around with chicks from Baywatch. We all know that most Internet users have a job, short hair, and the only time they see Pamela Anderson is in alt.binaries.pictures.nude.celebrities.

Surfing is pointless, except perhaps to impress women. But most Internet users have a serious purpose in using the Internet. We use it for information or commerce. We use the Internet to improve our lives. We use the Internet to MAKE MONEY. We all know th at nothing impresses women more than a big-assed bank account.

And what does all of this talk about surfing the Internet tell our children? Electricity and water do not mix! And I've seen some maladroit people using horribly mixed metaphors in describing the Internet. I've heard the expression "surfing the information superhighway". This brings to mind the image of Al Gore being dragged on a chain behind a speeding car.

One more thing about this surfing metaphor. I know some Internet users who would never allow water to touch their bodies.

So What's The Internet Really Like Then?

We've established what the Internet is not. But what is the Internet really like?

There is one perfect analogy which capture the spirit of the Internet. The Internet is like an Information Flea Market. First of all, like many Flea Markets and Swap Meets, there is a price for admission. In this great Information Flea Market, you are free to browse what is being offered. There is no place you must start or stop; you can go to any table at any time. Internet browsing is like this. You check out the sites that are offering goods or informat ion that interest you. And you can access them whenever you want to. The people selling at a flea market do so independently of each other. On the Internet, each site is created and maintained by a different person or company.

And some of the people on the Internet are like some of the people at a flea market:

You have the Hot Dog vendors - large companies who hire Madison Avenue to build them a flashy, commercial web site.

There are political groups that plaster their web site with political slogans, which is the Internet equivalent of selling those "We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool" signs.

You have the equivalent of people selling bootleg video tapes - sites made with Netscape Navigator Gold containing stolen graphics and other copyrighted material.

There are also the makeup-caked hair spray queen types who fill their personal home pages with frames, Java Script status bar message tickers, digital clocks, and second-hand java applets just for flash in lieu of any real content in their pages.

Surely this is an inelegant metaphor for the Internet, but it is the most descriptive one I have seen. It puts the Internet in perspective and describes its essence - a great interactive environment with all of its content generated by its users. As the T hird Wave slogan says - You Are The Internet.